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How Do You Know You Are Loved

Aside from the fact that people say they love you, how do you know that you are really loved?

Do actions play more of a role than words? Do you just “know” you are loved regardless of any action or words? Well, you are fortunate if you do.

I was speaking to someone the other night who was very depressed. When I questioned why he felt that way, he uttered “I’ve never felt loved.”

I was shocked to hear that. This person is attractive, popular, comes from a good family, has friends, a great job and he seems to be well adjusted.

Theoretically, he has a combo meal of everything that makes people happy; at least on the outside. But on the inside the story is different.

People would kill to be in his shoes. But like the old “grass is green” adage, once they got into his shoes, would they kill to get out of them?

I am not a trained psychologist, but I am a trained observationist. I watch, listen, learn, remember and put 2 and 2 together.

Some people need a little more than basic math to figure out and frequently you have to go into calculus or algebra to begin to figure them out.

Everyone of us is a puzzle unto ourselves. We are puzzles as much as we are puzzling to each other. We fit pieces together and then they don’t fit anymore, not because we put them in the wrong place, but because we have changed form.

When they no longer fit us, we have to resize and refit the pieces. This happens continually. So when we can’t keep up with our various form-changing ways, it causes depression which can contribute to the “never felt loved” feeling.

Love is a feeling unlike any other feeling because it is indefinable as much as it is definable.

What you describe as love today can change tomorrow. Defining love puts limits on it. Not defining it takes limits off. 

Love is different with each person in which you come in contact. Like a fingerprint or a snowflake, every love experience is different.

Love begins with how you feel about yourself first. If you don’t feel love from yourself first then you won’t feel it from anyone else.

When you can embrace yourself completely and honestly, you have embraced love. Stop searching to fill it from empty taps and tap into the reservoir of love that is inside of you. Once you find it, let it flow.

Within that flow, you will know that you are loved.


James Higham 3/10/2011 11:02 PM  

Love begins with how you feel about yourself first. If you don’t feel love from yourself first then you won’t feel it from anyone else.

When you can embrace yourself completely and honestly, you have embraced love.

This is a strong motif of the female - I have a friend right now who says this and many women I've known have said this. It sits comfortably with the female capacity of "introspectivity" and is neither a good nor a bad thing.

The average male [meaning the males I've known as mates] don't do that. I don't mean they're unreconstructed slobs - they look after themselves and feel a reasonably good self-image but they look outward rather than inward.

Again, that's neither good nor bad. The males whom a female knows as friends usually have a sort of sensitivity, otherwise she would not wish to know them.

When a man says he's never felt loved, he often means sexually and one problem is that when men take care of the body - and I see men every second day at the gym building mass in a quite scientific way, it still doesn't "get the girl".

My trainer said just such a thing two days ago. Now he has good reason to feel good about himself. He has the right attitude to women, in that he respects [and I've seen him doing this] and his views on marriage are old-fashioned [he's 22].

With all this, he still says he can't get any girl in his acquaintance to commit.

I told him that that was a problem in the girls themselves in the pool in which he was fishing - that he had every reason to feel he was doing it the right way and that spreading the net more widely and also not worrying about it would help.

Often, when we try too hard, what we reach for fades away but when we don't bother, it comes to us.

I suspect it's his lack of confidence with girls [a common motif with young males]. He sees them perhaps as girls and not people. The pressures on the female as femme fatales does this a lot.

Though I see you, Alexys, as a person, I also see you as a female because many of your concerns are female and a man has to go there to complement his perspective. On my blog, I do make a big song and dance about differences but of course, so many things, so many needs, are the same, irrespective, e.g. your man you mention here.

And so the process goes on.

Alexys Fairfield 3/11/2011 11:08 AM  

Hi James,

Men grow up differently in society. They have a different mindset from conditioning, roles, hunting and gathering, bread-winning, etc. While some men do partake in introspectivity, many do not and think of it as "female." Women are here to smooth out the rough edges, though spiritually we have no gender, we are all pulling from the same source. Many women sense that source. Men are too busy keeping up with the pressures of being a man. I am curious as to find out what "old-fashioned" views on marriage are?

I believe it takes more than a hard body to "get the girl." If there is nothing else there, then why would a woman want it? You have to question whether the men are working out to "get the girl" or to feel good about themselves?

Thanks for your insight into the male psyche. It was most interesting.

Ah, the experiment continues……

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